Elana’s Pantry Rant.. I’m so angry

Okay, here we go. Elana’s pantry is probably the best marketed brand name on Paleo and Gluten Free there is. When I first started Paleo, her goodies looked so good and appetizing. Yes, until you make them. She will suggest what flour to use, oils etc. then by following exactly the way the recipe calls, including the particular almond flour she says to buy (which she is correct on by the way, I’ll throw her that bone). However, after repeated attempts to make several of her cupcakes and frostings they just don’t come out correctly and I’m not the only person complaining about it. Here’s the reason.

She doesn’t give enough information on the process. For instance, I made Paleo brownies, the ones in my recipe page, every time I make them they come out the same and delicious, however, I’ve lacked the frosting, I love frosting dang it! Paleo I NEED FROSTING!!!!! Okay I buy Elana’s book The Gluten-Free Almond Flour Cookbook. Let me tell you she has the best photographer in the world because nothing comes out looking like hers and hers look like they are to die for. Page 124 there is a recipe for Chocolate Frosting. The recipe uses “1 cup coarsely chopped dark choc (73% cacao) and 1/2 cup grapeseed oil.” You heat it on the stove until chocolate and oil are smooth then put in refrig til cool and with a hand mixer mix “1 to 2 minutes” YA RIGHT!!!.

OKAY, first of all I’m not a chef I’m a stay at home mom, what does a stay at home mom do when she is told to use one cup of dark choc? Go into the frig, pull out the 1 1/2 bars of 72% cacao bar break them up, pull out the drawer and get a 1 cup measuring cup, fill up the measuring cup with choc put it in the pot with the oil and melt it, put it in the freezer for the specified time, get out my hand mixer and anticipate the delectable frosting shown on page 95 that has the consistency of pudding. Well let me tell you, I get the mixer and start mixing, 3 min goes by and the stuff is a watery mess, 4 min goes by, still a watery mess, now I’m angry, I can’t imagine what I did wrong! Then it hits me, 1 cup of coarsely chopped dark chocolate isn’t one cup, its 16 ounces! I pull out another bar of chocolate put the pot back on the stove remelt the whole new bar into the old stuff, set the timer, and try to mix it again. It get a little thicker but not much, now I’m fuming and cursing Elana. So I think and think what can I use to bind this stuff. Its chocolate, chocolate separates and balls up and curdles when mixed with the wrong agents… Dang you Elana! Thinking, I have powdered cooking Cacao, I just made brownies and only about have about 1/2 cup left, put a little in and its binding a bit, add the rest and yes it thickened to the consistency of gnash. I’m really angry now, I want frosting on my damn brownies I just made!!!!

Grab a can of coconut milk, thinking back about a year a go I made coconut whipped cream, basically I had a can of coconut milk, added vanilla and agave nectar, beat and there you have it. I open up a can and I’m beating and beating, WHAT THE HECK, nothing is happening, yes its just below the peaking point but not enough for a whipped cream. Start a search on the internet, well, within the year that I made this last, someone figured out that by putting can of coconut milk in the refrig for 24 hours and opening the can at the bottom, and pouring out the liquid and only using the ‘fatty’ part of the milk you get instant whipped cream…. Man, too late, I’m losing today’s battle for the darn icing.

I put both the chocolate and coconut milk in the freezer to cool them down more. Started to blend again and yes it did get thicker, about the consistency of cake batter but still runny. I think, its not cold enough, I put it back in the freezer for a few more minutes, pull it out and start to beat and miraculously it starts to thicken!! Oh my God it looks like frosting, it creamy… oh no, it getting harder and harder and now it lumpy, the damn pot got too cold! Ugh! how can this happen, I take out the coconut ‘whipped cream” which didn’t peak and add it to the crap that’s in the pot and it made it less hard but now it looks like curdled chocolate, I put it back on the stove to heat it again. It melted down back to the consistency of gnash. So needless to say I’m heartbrakingly watching about $14.00 worth of chocolate and coconut milk go into the trash. Thank you Elana… This is not the first time one of her recipes failed and she blames it on altitude. HA! we are not that stupid Elana. This is the reason I started this blog and I refuse to post any recipe that I haven’t tried and recommend or made my own. I will not let what happened to Elana happen to me.

Rant…. over!

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